10 Things Scott Morrison couldn’t say in Budget 2016

 

What Sco Mo really said, but never said, but wished he could have said in Budget 2016…

• The grown-ups are back in charge. Please give us a mandate. I’m a grown up.
• What do you mean sugar free doesn’t taste as good as the other stuff; just eat your vegetables. Ever wondered why they invented the Nutribullet?
• Sorry, what I meant to say was Death Cults and the Budget Emergency doesn’t cut it anymore. See what too much sugar does? Pass me the Ritalin.
• Look, if you re-elect us, you’ll get the real Post Tony Budget. But you have to re-elect us first. No Speedos, honest.
• It’s not like any other Budget – it’s a real Economic Plan – which is way more boring. That’s what makes it unique. Agghhrr, haven’t you watched The Hollowmen?
• Now look, I didn’t say having an Economic Plan was sexy. Life wasn’t meant to be interesting. Do you really want more Sluggos? Well do you?
• Fewer public servants? Pfft, c’mon, there’s gotta be an app for that now. We’re gonna start with the Centrelink Apps Team.
• The best form of welfare is a job, so a dysfunctional welfare front end is a great incentive to get a job. We know Centrelink’s IT is totally rooted… so rooted we don’t really know what the real bill will be. #raincheck
• Cigars [cough!]? Chomp on this tobacco tax hike .Mathias, you promised me you’d quit.
• Why are we hitting multinationals? Seriously, how else do you stop those beligerant bastards poaching of your best ministerial staff. Call it cost recovery. Suck. It. Up.

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